i was watching this video about a Kurosawa film i haven't seen before. it made me cry.

i'm writing some zines right now, but i have a lot of ideas so i'm not sure if i'll be able to finish all of them.

also need to start finishing my vlog editing! i have so many i don't know when i'll actually finish them

i did buy a new backpack (well, actually preowned) and a peanuts halloween baggu (i know, i know, it's a couple months into the future, but you gotta buy it now before it gets too expensive in-season)

i've also been watching some Mamdani videos. he's like my personal hype-man. there's a video of him speaking in Mandarin, i don't understand Mandarin but just hearing him try his best and doing a pretty good job makes me really happy. i also listened to his Knicks parade speech. i'm looking forward to the knicks playing again.

i do get sad though. i have no love in my life. i don't really have any true consistent friends. no one really checks up on me or cares about my day to day life. and i'm pretty lonely.

one of things i've been thinking about a lot is depressive hedonia. this idea Marc Fisher had about our generation and of course it describes me to a T. it just doesn't seem safe to share your feelings when they're negative or nihilistic. i even find myself trying to hide the fact that i struggle with this because i know most people wont want to hear. so what do i do instead? i escape in all these small and tall ways, like traveling, drinking, or playing mobile games, doomscrolling, wikiwalks

but what makes me me is that i have these negative attitudes, i've never known a brain that wasn't sad and like preemptively and i'm not gonna get into the jung of it all today but what if i'm just "in love with my own sadness"

i've been thinking about whether i should move to nyc. i mean whether i'm there or here, i just cant seem to connect with anyone. im thinking of this post about luck, i talked to Sam about it. i have this belief that maybe magical things would happen to me if i lived there but it's pretty expensive to be part of the magical things. i would have to change so much for my life in nyc to work. and i guess i just have to believe that i can do that.

still watching chiikawa. wish i had a friend like Hachiware. also now i know who Kuri-Manjū is and i love him!