i'm trying to stay sober the whole week. i'm thinking about that Hunter Biden post where he's talking about someone who messaged him being afraid that they wouldn't be able to stay sober after three days.

"Three days is a mountain."

it's easy for me to admit that i'm in pain. just yesterday i thought about how i've been depressed so long, sometimes i forget that i'm depressed.

but i had breakfast with a wonderful friend this morning. as long as we're alive, even while struggling with disease, there's still things to look forward to.

also i'm really sad summers almost over and i wasn't as outside as i said i was gonna be. will we ever have another summer like this legendary one?

yesterday i talked about Marc Fisher's depressive hedonia, this idea that we are plying ourselves with constant short term dopamine hit so we don't have to feel the discomfort of being alive. it kind of reminds me of the "lipstick effect". i think of all the things i want to buy to make myself feel better. the planners and stickers and clothes. and now i own so many things i don't even know why. i have to work really hard now to try to downsize. i feel like i've been trying to clean my room for like 3 years.

i can admit that i'm lonely though. i guess maybe it isn't easy for me, but i'm used to it. i feel empty sometimes though. like that headless chickens song, "sometimes I sit in myself and I don't feel anybody in there"

all this time it feels like i've been waiting for myself to become me.

i'm always waiting for some ebullient being to show up, a person who happens to look and sound just like me but better, more successful, beautiful and with a group of friends who really care about her. but i am never going to arrive, am i?

i wonder if this is just a thing only depressed people can relate to. the sad thing is that i have been a version of myself where i felt like i really was the person heading towards myself. when i was in new york. and now i feel as i've fallen.