god bless, jester

But i don’t like it because what if I do something and people don’t like it, or they make fun of me on the internet. What if I am being weird without realizing that I’m weird. That would crush me. But i have to remember that i have to develop a sense of self that goes beyond what other people think of me.   The animals (me) are getting restless. I have not travelled anywhere since beginning of January and I feel like shit. I’ve been drinking a lot and eating fast food. I talked with one of my travel buddies (to clarify, someone who also loves to travel— not someone who I’ve ever planned travel with) last weekend and she told me she was also worried about all the plane accidents, there was just another one in Toronto after we talked. We went to Rosies right after Valentine’s Day. She told me she’d planned on asking me and I said well if I could avoid it I would but if I go to California for the zine fest in May I will have to fly… It’s kind of been a living hell in the US and a personal hell just watching everything happen. I don’t feel that depressed but sometimes when I take my eye off the ball, well it’s like I don’t even know myself. Like on Valentine’s Day… I felt like i had a full breakdown. it’s funny to me because I just really wanted to pretend like I was fine and it didn’t bother me that I wasn’t spending it with any friends. And I should’ve seen it from a mile away. And then a couple nights ago I just felt this feeling like everything is getting worse… and that nothing could stop it. All I have to say is thank god for the comedians. And thank god for alcohol. I watched Rap World finally after I saw someone post about Friendship, the upcoming Tim Robinson film, and I saw Conner O’Malley in the trailer and it reminded me I hadn’t seen his new film. I laughed my fucking ass off. Usually not being able to laugh is a sign that I’m depressed. Last January I was really depressed and I couldn’t laugh at anything, even things that I knew I would normally find funny. What broke the drought was watching Amanda Byne in she’s the man. It was such a relief. But now I’ll laugh to breathlessness and feel suicidally depressed after. I don’t know it’s just a special kind of feeling that only these specific conditions could create. I keep reminding myself that I want to see the summer. I want to go out West again. I want to go to Chicago. If I can I’d like to go to NYC. I mean, I am contractually obligated to visit at least once a year. But I guess I would choose visiting somewhere new over visiting NYC if it came down to it. Like I’m not who I once was, but it would be cool to go to the Badlands and see the Crazy Horse monument or to one of the National Parks I would like to go back to Hawaii again someday— but at least the memories of my first trip were sweet enough to last the rest of my life. Unfortunately I do see the peripatetic indiscretions of my youth as firmly in the past. Trying to care about shit that I don’t think i care about… It’s just like a powerful wave. Maybe chemical. Maybe genetic. Maybe environmental. It doesn’t fucking matter. The results are the same. I think more than anything Im realizing that i am almost incapable of taking my life into my hands and changing myself… and I think thats really what’s at the bottom of these feeling. I just drink and eat fast food and watch six hour true crime videos and don’t do anything creative and basically have no friends. I guess that’s why laughter has become so powerful to me even though it isn’t really an antidote for anything. I’m re watching Tim and Eric and listening to comedy podcasts. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been getting into Tim Heidecker’s movie world. It’s super niche but it’s also very I applied for this grant which I really hope I get and I’m actually gonna be pretty pissed if I don’t get even if I have to pretend that I wont be. Like I think i will probably cry if I don’t get it even though it’s not that much money but it’s not about the money it’s about the validation that I really desperately need. Also I think if I don’t get it I’ll sort of confirm that people don’t really fuck with me the way I wish they did. I mean as an artist as a person, i just feel like I’m really behind which again is super hilarious because just a couple weeks ago I was like “i like myself, i don’t feel like I’m behind in life, i am exactly where Im supposed to be”— but now? Now I’m like fuck that shit I don’t really care about any of that and none of that shit means anything to me! I’m fucking pissed and I don’t like any of this. Is it just the weather or something else? I keep having this fantasy where I’m a 40 year old man and I have a coffee truck that also sells Salvadoran pastries and treats. I make my art on the side. I have been to all of the state parks in North Carolina and some of the National Parks. I live in a podunk town like Siler or Cashiers. I live a pretty chill life. But I know that that’s just a dream. I would fucking hate it. I would feel so frustrated if I had that kind of routine. If there was no possibility of seeing people for weeks on end I would really lose my mind. If I didn’t have the chance of meeting cool people and seeing cool things. I mean I’m experiencing that in Charlotte and I’m clearly not doing well. But sometimes that is just life, living from one dream to the next. It reminds me of this one George Bernard Shaw quote: “The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” Sometimes I’m reasonable, sometimes im unreasonable. I haven’t read one fucking book. The only movies I’ve seen this years so far are stepford wives and the Truman show. Better luck in March I guess. Playlist The Smiths - Suffer Little Children Helmet - Speechless Public Image Limited - Rise Squirrel Bait - When I Fall The Replacements - Unsatisfied DIIV - Little Birds #zines