Anger is an energy during seasons of hope

Believe me nothing is trivial Things continue to be bad Matlock’s Andy Griffith is famously from North Carolina, “Mayberry” was based on Mt Airy, though in his later show playing a big city lawyer he relocated to Atlanta. The cold scalpel incisions of Didion were something that I admired as a teenager. But now as an adult I much rather the earthy sensuousness of Babitz. But it’s exciting to me that she is in her 70s and so spry, going toe to toe with women half her age. Similarly in one of my favorite shows the Golden Girls, 60 year olds live their lives. I’ve talked to one of my friends about it because they had caught an episode and were surprised that it wasn’t what they imagined, less Andy Griffith and more Will & Grace but they talked about sex basically in every episode, there were gays and lesbians , one episode even AID’s I would like to find a truth that shatters reality. I feel very attracted to and inspired by people who embody extremes. And especially people who embody extremes. Maybe it’s because I live in North Carolina that I’ve been cast as such a conservative. A hick. Easter i guess change has a lot to do with our brains, it’s a physical thing and a chemical thing. We have been so well endowed with the size of our craniums, but when it comes down to it a lot of us don’t really do much about it. I don’t think I’ll live that long but wouldn’t it be wonderful if I did? If i could change, what kind of person would i ? Would i chose to be a person of extremes, extremely brave, extremely adventurous, extremely intelligent and charming, unashamedly concupiscent , indifferent towards what people think of me, with the chutzpah and bully-strength to get everything i ever wanted? Or would I choose to be normal and well adjusted? Waking up early in the morning at the same time every day, exercise regularly, eat a balanced diet, have healthy relationships with people, never drink alcohol, never avoid personally difficult things things like doctors visits and responding to emails or texts, going to sleep at the same time every day, someone who never loses things always knows exactly where everything is tidy and organized. I love everything in the world, and I love being alive— despite whatever the fuck I’ve said previously in my life, this is the truth. I think in both versions of my ideal self I’d have the discipline to finish the things i start. I think choosing the kind of person you want to change into is almost as difficult as finding the strength to change itself. One of my favorite songs by Talking Heads is “Seen and Not Seen” I remember hearing it and identifying with it very closely. It’s about a man that thinks he can change his face by imagining a new one, one influenced by the media he’s consuming. It’s like fable, a very juelule fable. I can’t choose the things i write about, in fact that is one thing i can simply not do. Even with stories they are usually things i think about on my walks until eventually they get too big that i have to write them down because i can’t hold them in my mind any longer. I just sit down to write and the things that come out. I’m very very lucky that we live in an era of pocket sized computers that i can write down all of my thoughts, much quicker than finding a pen and carrying a tiny memo book which is what i imagine i would do if i had matured into a writer in an era before the smartphone. Matlock. Didion and Babitz. Lily. The Golden Girls. Lou Reed. They’re all connected. It was exciting that I was reading again. I’ve always preferred things that have endured, that have passed the test of time over things that burned ebulliently, hot and bright, for a short period before dying away. Trends do not interest me, unless they are truly captivating, i try to avoid them. But sometimes it can be surprising that a person is a completely different one from when they’re younger. Maybe that’s what im waiting for. A force to change me. I’m only 26, but soon it’ll be “I’m only 30” “I’m only 45” “I’m only 60”, if I should be so lucky. everyone says time sneaks up on you and I don’t doubt it. Time feels like a physical force even though it never touches us the way a wave can, Because in my ideal world they wouldn’t be contradictions, somehow they would be compatible and i could embody them both. In trumps America the second amendment must be guarded to the teeth but the first and fourteenth can be trampled on. Eddie Santiago Que loco enamors me to de ti Me encuentro mal Cuando amanesco y tu no estas I can appreciate religions and the comfort they provide human beings but I will never be dogmatic. I can be petty. I can be cruel. I am not a good friend, and quite likely not a good person. I’m glad that Holi was a week before Easter. I told my mom that Holi, from my limited understanding of the Hindu religion, represented the triumph of good over evil. Similarly Easter, the resurrection, represented the same, and more importantly love triumphing over death. From what I’ve read, briefly on wikipedia, Holi celebrates Lord Vishnu’s defeat of Hiranyakashipu, who was a pretty evil dude and a demon king, which is usually bad despite it sounding really sick and cool. Holi is so fun, the emotions were infectious kids and adults running around throwing colors at each other, colorful bodies smiling and dancing, so many girls with long hair with vibrant colors. There were definitely more people who visited last year though. People were kind and asked before they threw colors on me. And I need all of this because I Priorities are so important too bad I don’t have any I watch How to with John Wilson Everybody wants that, for life to be filled with adventure, an endless game of improv filled with yes’s that lead to improbably hilarious punchlines. We want to feel things. My overwhelming feeling is that of a loser. The months almost over and I haven’t really done any of the things I wanted to. And I hate to say that here because I don’t want people to feel bad for me or to feel such overwhelming pity for myself, but if I can’t be honest here what’s the point? I don’t even know if I’ll make it to Raleigh or Oakland since I foolishly lost my ID. I mean what’s wrong with me, why do I keep losing things so carelessly? It feels like I’m still figuring myself out, still learning about myself, have myself under a microscope, i don’t need an answer. answers are static, they are results of a study and are reproduceble, should not change, should not be mutable, but i need something to satisfy. I need like a theory of juelule. it’s that feeling where you’re giving your attention to everything in the world, the tariffs, the war crimes, the climate crisis, you’re absentmindedly walking through maybe a store looking at the clothing or your riding your bike to the art center and all of a sudden it hits you— I’m a consciousness on this planet, i have a form, but I never think about it, i never cultivate my experiences, i am not sure if i am really living the life i want to anymore but than what kind of life do i want to live? It’s already April. Soon it will be May. Time is ticking. I want to throw everything away. I am frustrated that i can’t seem to focus or to change my life in the vague way I’ve always desired. “Change my life”. Can you define that? Do you know what it means? It means to carve out new patterns, to stop being at the mercy of old ones. To stop talking about myself incessantly. To be interested in other things, other people again. I don’t know if this compulsion to write everything down will ever end. the excuse of “I’m a writer” doesn’t seem to be sufficient enough, when “and an editor” doesn’t follow it immediately. I would like an editor someday. Over the last couple of months I’ve sort of gotten the idea that it’s probably as exhausting reading about me probably as it is writing this, I’m not that interesting, talented or a possessor of many redeemable qualities. A bad friend. A bad person. I think I am becoming a bit tired of writing about myself, which while devastating is also funny because I don’t think I have found the right way to do so, My instinct is to destroy myself, to throw the past away and begin in this moment, and move forward. Perhaps I am only looking for reinvention and not self-harm Or maybe I just want to move on to other things \