If you had no past what kind of person would you be? ‘The happiest person is the one without history’ There have been many times where I wish I didn’t have a past. I wanted to restart my entire life. I guess I didn’t want my past mistakes to affect my life moving forward. I wanted a clean slate. To me, New Year is probably my second favorite holiday, behind Halloween (obviously). It was a weird desire. Wanting everyday to be the first day of your life, but not a freeing way, what kind of person would you be if you had no past? Having a past is what makes you interesting. Your past informs what you believe about yourself, about where you come from and not have any thing that affected me from before that moment moving forward. I think not wanting a past was my way to not have to deal with pain and suffering that a lot of it brought. From a Freudian perspective (and no I don’t co-sign Freud but I do think some of his ideas are interesting to play around with) what kind of being has no past? Babies. Babies have no past, they barely have thoughts outside of the basic needs. So maybe my desire to have no past was me wanting to return to a stage where things weren’t so difficult and I felt like I hadn’t fucked up my life so much From wanting to destroy imperfections to realizing that those imperfections were things that I actually really like about myself. I make art because I love to create things and it feels good to do so, and I wish I would focus more on that instead. I make art because I feel very deeply about things and because I recognize there are parts of myself (and by extension, the world ) I cannot fix, so I might as well try to make them beautiful. I didn’t know why at the time. But now I realize it was shame. I was ashamed I wasn’t perfect, and that I wasn’t good. I wasn’t a good daughter, or a good friend, or a good sister. And I started doing art and then it was like that Vonnegut sentiment— I can't fix my country or my state or my city, or even my marriage. But by golly, I can make this square of canvas, or this eight-and-a-half-by-eleven piece of paper, or this lump of clay, or these twelve bars of music, exactly what they ought to be But then i wasn’t good at that either. I have never been good at any of the art I’ve tried, I don’t have a primary medium but i think that’s why i like zines because it’s not about being bad, you just have to do it because you really love it and you have something to say . I have become more comfortable with myself, and because of that I’ve been able to accomplish things in 2024 that I never could’ve before. Only recently have I realized that I have become more accepting of myself. I feel like a lot of the times in the past I wanted to do something but I would prevent myself for whatever reason I could think of— people who do this don’t look like me, they don’t come from where I come from, like the things I like, have messy rooms! They are not like me and they can but the more I do things I manage to find people who really fuck with it and I give less of a shit— this is how a punk should feel about things! And I’ve been thinking about how discovering punk when I was so young has kind of influenced so much of my attitude and perspective but I’m still developing my thoughts on that, but it reminds me I’m not just a poor, brown, artist; I’m creative, resourceful, resilient and I come from people who are and have always been that! If you are rejected a million times and you do it anyways, than that must mean you really love doing it right? That’s what it’s like being an authentic person. to me, it’s not about being for everyone and sure it hurts when people reject you or think you’re too weird and avoid you, but as long as you’re not hurting anyone or being overly creepy who cares? Everyone is going through their own journey and I try to be kind to people because it’s easy to be cruel, mean and nasty, but incredibly complicated to understand people have dimensions and dynamics that have nothing to do with you, and to be kind. I know a lot of people are not gonna like me and actually, I really don’t like that many people either. The people who i love are few and far between, and it goes for others as well. We should love as much as possible, but I know believe we can love everyone. One good thing is that i don’t feel like I’m behind. I feel like im exactly where im supposed to be on this singular journey that that i have no schema for… if i had been any slower, or any faster I wouldn’t be exactly where i am. I think this year I have grown more accepting of myself. I don’t hate myself as much as I did in the past, or even last year. It makes me sad that it took me this long to realize but if it wasn’t for all those years I wouldn’t be the person I am, and honestly I can say I like me. Or at least I can admit I have some redeeming qualities. This is who I am and it was like a sneeze that wouldn’t clear it just gets sucked up into your sinus and finally ————— I’m all over the place but that’s exactly what the new year feels like— a rush to get everything in place before a new beginning, new energy, renewed hope. I hope all of your dreams come true and my words can reach you. There is a voice in my ear that says “you think you can really say that? You think you’re worthy of the admiration of others much less your own?” And that’s just the way it’s probably going to be I said I wouldn’t travel that much but that isn’t really what I want— if it was up to me I would probably travel for months out of the year. But, I am a guest in these lands a fact the government will never let me forget despite having lived in the US for 23 years (what does it mean to be an ‘American’ when it all seems to be dependent on a little green piece of paper? Or if you’re rich, many thousands of green pieces of paper) I’m currently 25 for reference. I have to get my passport renewed and in the meantime I’ve been using my work permit to travel and drink. Somehow the work permit is more embarrassing. At one bar the bouncer asked me if it was a Costco card, he was drunk as a lot of people who work at bars are, but also just unfamiliar with the concept of a work permit. I guess I wouldn’t stop traveling even if I somehow became undocumented which is a big possibility under the upcoming administration, but it would limit things. I mean I couldn’t get through TSA I mean the New Years is about changing. It’s about sitting down and realizing what it is you really want my brother has tried to jack my whole flow. I draw comics so he has to draw comics. I make zines so he has to make zines. I’m smart so he has to be smart. when i read bubbles zine for the first time i thought to myself, maybe it should be more like this? I have grown pretty fond of Raleigh after all the years of visiting my brother down there. I love walking down Hillsborough, especially love to walk to Nice Price Books, It’s a rainy day and I’m listening to the new bad bunny album Dtmf the whole time. New Year’s resolution: find love SONGS: How soon is now? -The Smiths All we ever wanted - bauhaus How do you think it feels - Lou Reed You don’t know how it feels - Tom petty Chamber of Reflection - Mac Demarco Anything Could Happen - The Clean Paranormal - Alvaro Diaz Lo Siento bb :/ Breadcrumb trail - Slint More than this - Roxy Music Disorder - Joy Division Life Goes On - the damned Can’t hardly wait - Replacements She is staggering - Polaris No me quiero casar - Bad Bunny