Querido Diario

Don’t let technology be your brain, use your own. I saw someone crip walk into a bachata beat. I fucking love California. I love women!!!!! It felt like such a nice experience. Everything closes at 2am, just like Puerto Rico? It’s funny to me now because yeah things generally do close at 2am but at the time i was actually pissed because i wasn’t ready to go to sleep I feel like a hick. Growing up in NC I get the feeling I’m more conservative in the way I act. I like when people are nice and respectful, i like when people are polite and smile and say hi. Walking down I saw someone shooting up for the first time. I mean I’ve seen people shit in the subway in NYC but… I guess that it wven registered to me means it affected me. A zine fest is a motherfucking mental challenge! You are being rejected constantly, in the most immediate way, you can see the light leave a persons eye when they pick up your zine and realize it’s not for them, but you keep coming back in the hopes that maybe just that one person who gets it will find you. I want to be friends with the whole world Standing there while people read about my spiritual diseases and pain and trauma. I want to make zines about riding bikes I want to make zines about baking bread. I feel like I just run around in circles chasing my own fucking tail; but I’m sick of writing about my boring little life. I feel so inspired. its my specialty to show up at places no one expects me or wants me My zines are like punk rock everytging going fast and faster, maybe you get addicted to it. A fabullist all of reality is constructed after all I do feel like a country bumpkin. But who had more childlike wonder than Rose Nylund? I rather be secretly cynical than overtly. California is strongly in my imagination but when I get here I know I don’t belong. This visit is different. I am entrenched in zine culture. I have friends. Because there is always a new adventure somewhere over the horizon Swap meet Langley I can afford a night of sleep in DC or New York, I probably got another three or four trips to DC, but San Francisco? I have no idea when I’ll ever be back here It is physically painful for me to be misunderstood. When I was a child I was often ignored, even when I tried really hard to express myself I just did not have mastery over the language to properly explain my complex and frustrating feelings on things. Now I also realize that the people around me just did not have the capacity to understand me anyways. I think that’s when I became quiet. I reasoned that if I couldn’t be understood what was the point? I turned my attention to the written word, pouring my thoughts and emotions onto the page. But as an adult I do want to be understood, I want to be loved and I live with the constant embarrassment of it. There are a lot of people I could never be as cool as these people. I think California plays a bigger role in my imagination than in my physical interests. Most of the zines I really like are by people who really care about writing. I really loved Sylvia, Niko, Angel and Valentine’s zines. It was just really cool meeting people that led such interesting lives and had such poignant things to say. The scene in Charlotte is growing, I feel like there’s a lot of stuff going on even if not much of it is particularly interesting to me, but maybe someday that will change. I don’t really feel like I belong here, but I am cynical enough to believe that follow your dreams is a neoliberal farce meant to keep poor people poor by mortgaging those dreams through incurring mounting and mounting debt. Anyways, I don’t really want to move to California or New York (thats a lie I’d love nothing more than to live in New York) I want to do what I do where I am and I think I can find creative enough ways to do it. To them North Carolina sounds like another planet, full Trompa country, why would anyone want to live there? They give me a hug, I wish I got more hugs like that. I get back to the hostel and fall asleep. I’m crossfaded. I wake up in the middle of my sleep and my eyes feel like they are rolling around in my head without my express permission. Of their own accord! I go to Photomatica because I’d walked by it when I got to SF but it was closed so i came back. There were two very beautiful girls, and I got very self conscious but I went ahead. I was very nervous about this roll because I had flashed the booth and wasn’t super keen on anyone else seeing it and after around 8 minutes i was super concerned I went to try and find someone who might work there and the guy who had complimented my first roll came back. I didn’t realize there was a camera they could see from! And i think it’s fine, i mean i didn’t think it was Pervy i just thought it was funny and i understood why they came through after the first roll. #zines