Alternate Realities

I am getting worse in every way. I pack an hour before im supposed to leave. I uber to the greyhound station. That night i left Shanhuan in the art room alone. I was too tired to be an art roomists that night. I went back to the dorm and met my roommate. They were a cool customer. I put up a bunch of my paper ephemera on my side of the wall. Things I’d picked up on the west coast plus things that The bus driver is the same bus driver I’ve had for every Sunway Charter bus. How? Do they not have any other bus driver. I try to fall asleep. At first it’s hard but then it’s easy. I almostsleep through th e stop. I passed out before we got to hickory. I’m carrying so many bags I calmly Maddy and then realize they’re in the lot across from im standing waiting dumbly. It just speaks to the community of zines that Maddy even offered to pick me up in Hickory and take me to Asheville. We go to their house and then walk downward. It feels so delicious in Asheville, at least compared with Charlotte. We walk all the way to this Mexican place. It doesn’t really compare with Tacos El Nevado but it’s okay. I ask Maddy about Helene and they tell me all about it. It’s so surreal to me that I was in Asheville a week before Helene. I could’ve easily felt like staying a week after the fest was over but I chose to go home. And then Helene hit. I remember feeling so scared because there were people who I couldn’t locate since there was basically no service up there at the time. But thankfully everyone i knew was okay. But there were ton of people who i didn’t know who weren’t and that was just as heartbreaking. Maddy being a social worker i felt like i could tell them about my family. I helped maddy get furniture at the sale at the re-store. I thought that was very cool and was happy to help them with the furniture. What do i want out of these zines? Do I want something to remember or do i want to invent? Invent a life, a persona, a way forward. This film that showed at IPH about an artist community who secretly lives in a mall. I tell them about Friendship. They tell me about this movie starring Claire Danes about an autistic veterinarian pioneer. Women with tits the size of watermelons. Who doesn’t love that? Messenger Jimi Hendrix Maddy and I talked about Super mall apartment and friendship Paintings of women with huge tits, some the size of small watermelons Maybe it’s a feeling I’m trying to capture when you were a kid and woke up early and It feels good that people call me cool instead of avoiding me and pretending like I don’t exist. I feel such a kinship with Crystal even though I somehow feel she is impenetrable. But she has the sweetest smile and the gnarliest stories. Nashville Asheville PS1 . I listen to Souvenir by OMD a lot. It just feels right. It’s friends you haven’t seen in at least one year or maybe more than For some reason I hear my voice develop a vocal fry I catch Jameo noticing that I’m filming and smiling more than once. People are happy to see me even if I’ve never been happy to see myself i feel exuberant i feel amazing i feel like shit i want to die. I guess the highs and lows because I’m not taking care of myself when I truly should be. chemegrams I did feel bad that I didn’t stay all night. I thought to myself “they’re gonna be like damn juleule can’t hang” but it was just too much for me. My first year i was completely “healthy” my second year i was navigating my illness as someone who just nearly died. Now… I don’t even know how to describe it. It didn’t hurt that everyone was so cool, so attractive. I felt like such a loser. Nothing ever really comes out of this except of how I feel. Sam is a friend that has come out of this, but they’ve never come back. Sometimes i wonder if this experience is somehow diametrically opposed to who i am? I mean how can I tell people my challenges without them feeling like I’m criticizing the experience? I fielded questions about the experience from Soph and Maya. I thought about X a lot because i felt so so so guilty. I will do things differently this year. Thats what I thought at least. Paulina soph isa and jameo were in the art room holding it down as always… I want to remember everything because when the good times end I want to remember my friends. I know not everyone is going to like me but I also don’t need everyone to like me. Finally Isa and Luca appear and I was really happy to see Isa again because we had been art roomists together last year. I felt so awkward i don’t know why. I don’t think any amount of positive affirmation and self concept is going to permanently keep me from feeling like a loser. We talk bout movies. It’s like time has passed but also no time has passed. Paulina gives me advice and a hug. My phone suki Waterhouse Indigo de souza By the end of day two i wake up feeling like such a nerd. Everyone here is such a badass and I’m a little baby compared to them. Art building copier Library Motherhood is coming up a lot because Vic brought their precious baby. During work service Vic tells us about being trans and having a baby, I’m so glad they’re there and Zach and Christina and their kids giving us models for the kind of world we want to build. The kind of parents we might want to become I talk to jiwon and Heidi and Christina and— I told Christina how i sort of feel guilty about leaving a week before Helene hit. Too many people to remember There is something fundamentally broken in me that I need to remember anything. Healed people don’t feel this way, things happen to them and they move on. Seaweed beef jerky Human society runs on delicate vibes Christina. Paulina drove us to Ingles. I ask if anyone wants to do a yearbook zine. People want to help but I am not good at directing anyone. I am not a follower, I am not a leader. I stand alone. At the Ingles waiting for Jameo and Isa, Paulina and I wait and talk about myths and stories, they think about Christianity and Jesus I think of David Lynch and the wizard of oz. I tell them about Nietzsches golden laughter and then we talk about funny animals, and how some of them definitely know what the fuck is going on but don’t want to lead on because they know we’ll start putting their asses to work. The way the countries heading they might be farm animals might get drafted to replace all the people thatve been deported. In Shanhuans class I learn a lot about the world I want to build I am excited but also scared as usual. I can never learn to trust anyone. What if they think I’m a freak? What if the moment I start to believe it’s possible that they like me they shun me and tell me they think I’m a freak? I spent all day with my friends but now I feel like shjt. Of course this is the best time to watch the return basically the one David lynch story I find worth conquering but haven’t. Vanessa said that it’s basically an 18 hour movie. I’m pretty tired and Ive been constantly socializing for the past month nonstop. Also this place makes me highly vulnerable. How do I even put this into words? The fact that we come together for a week and do this crazy art shit? The fact that we made this zine in a week? Thanks to Isa and Jameo for being so down to help— also for being generous souls, for the conversations for the laugh and especially— for the coffee! The SotA Yearbook release party went so much better than I could’ve ever hoped. I feel so supported by this community and Lyn seemed like they needed someone to talk to. I think I feel a lot more guilty about Steven than even I knew. I love music it bring us together! It might tear us apart if you have strong feelings and don’t agree with others but this is a space of interchange I can conjure an idea and abandon it in the same breath— not because it means nothing to me but because I know I can come up with a better one. Elda! She’s also from El Salvador and she told me her daughter got accepted into the early college, we spoke for like 10 minutes and I tried to explain it the easiest way. But really I just let her believe I was in a workshop with the school (a taller) and I could tell she was really happy that I was there because it probably made her feel good about her own kid. It was a sweet moment, but I could think of I talked to John, we were both working on signs for classes during operations. Everyone here is pretty much cool but John is amongst the coolest. Alice notley at night the states Descent of alette June Jordan intifada Gaflan George open Frank ohara Epigraph Isa, Miriam and I sit in the little kitchen and (again visions of Steven) I tell Miriam that I know that they are dealing with grief and I would like to help but I know I am not equipped to help. I don’t even know how to deal with my own grief the only model I’ve been offered is to not think about it think about anything else. Both of my parents have lost their own parents and they weren’t able to be there for them. I never really knew them so I didn’t feel anything when I was told. I read Roque Faltons como tu and there’s a crack in the armor but I catch myself and try to duct tape it back together. Despite myself, I end up revealing things I probably wouldn’t have. Citation as feminist memory Sarah ahmed You get a feeling of Sometimes you have to say a thing that’s a little unhinged to prove that you’re chill and not a narc Also this is like such a topsy turvy world where people think I have insight and want to talk to me, it’s bizarre. My brain and overthinking seem to have some value in this world that normally would not be exhibited. I’m used to hostels so there being two of us was an improvement, but I could avoid people and I didn’t have to make eye contact or have any expectations of having to converse. Was feeling like people are just using me to make themselves feel good but no one want to really hear what I have to say but then I told Vic about Elda and jameo helped with my project and it was amazing. “The steady presence in the back” You are your own artworks. Don’t skip too many classes though or you’ll end up flunking I think that I’m feeling okay but I’m not sure. We went to Black Mountain at Blue Ridge Assembly and it was very strange being there because so many things I loved are gone and there were structures there that were new and reminded me of a dream. It was really tough, I wish this devastation didn’t happen anywhere but especially to an area that I r grown to love so dearly. We are so energetically connected to that space. My heart is so full and even though im overwhelmed and sometimes i oscillate between feeling loved and like everyone hates me— it feels good to be here. I already know, preemptively, that i will romanticize this experience no matter how it goes, so it helps to be as honest as possible. Comics artists grant. Some people I’m sort of glad I only see once a year— maybe in a year they will forget how they feel about me. Perhaps they will feel more favorable towards me in 12 months. I feel so much better. I feel so lost Maybe it’s bad that I have so many people to talk to here because when I don’t have anyone to talk to I feel sad. I realize that I developed this desire to talk very deeply about something or offer insight, is because people don’t tend to listen to me I don’t draw attention people tell me I’m like a ghost, so when someone is paying attention I really have to captivate them, and quickly. Star pink pantheress Where you connect with someone so strongly and then go out into your life like it never happened. That hurt me immensely. But I’ve survived and I’ve matured and now I know what it’s like and it doesn’t have to be painful because I’m aware of it and keep it at arms length. I am not gonna dwell on it but I am going to take a note and hold a grudge and I am going to remember it. Every. Single. Time. I ever see or hear your name. Thanks to everyone who came and got their photos taken! Everyone’s photos came out so cute and we’re so excited to make this zine for y’all to treasure yourselves and also treasure each other! Soon ✌️ I think we make the mistake to believe if we’re good people will love us but that’s not how it works. Being lovable is not something you can become, it’s just a quality you have or don’t. And I don’t have it, never have. It hurts to realize. I guess I’ve always wanted a best friend and never had one and that’s a “trauma” I’ve had to overcome. Most people I know have at least one best friend but I guess I’m just too evil and inconsiderate. even in a place like this it’s just not gonna happen. Which compounds my sadness. Heaven has turned into hell. People think I’m a milquetoast, will they start to avoid me? people say theyll keep in touch. especially i, the fabulist, enthusiastically and wholeheartedly promise that i will too. If only it were real. If only any of it were real. Friday just listening to Charli working on the zine It’s funny because just yesterday i was like I can never live with people and today I’m like I love people I love everybody! The karaoke session is so much fun. Afterwards I walk around the WWC campus and just start singing everything that comes to mind: Vicente Fernandez. Maybe there is something wrong with me I don’t fully understand. I’m sorry. It’s not intentional. I wish I could retain all these features of having an introverted, sensitive, insightful persona and also be normal and have a “secure attachment style” and fully well adjusted, but I’m just not. I’m fucked! Completely fucked! But it’s gotten to the point where I just want to be at home. I’m hoping the time will just pass. I can learn to let go of things because they don’t belong to me. ive met so many cool people. do i still want to kill mysrlf? sometimes I need to be alone or I wouldn’t be me. All the things that people appreciate about me here are things that I needed alone time to develop and even the insight I provide I need alone time to process my own thoughts. Is this my true personality or am I just being who people want me to be here? I feel like I’m being met with people’s approval and I don’t know what to do about that It shows people’s preoccupations their sweet countenances . A keepsake; i am too young to remember black and white yearbook photos, the few i had were all in color, but the receipt paper makes them look like vintage yearbook photos. My spot on campus was a But on the other hand im like bro im so fucking tired, this was a mistake The last day is tough but I’m tougher. Sike. If it doesn’t work out. It doesn’t work out. I forgot how lonely the last days are. Finally the well has dried up, even though there are still folks desperately looking for water. Like me. I was right to fear my hyper verbalism. I feel desperately sad and have no one talk to about it. Do I even exist if I’m not talking to someone? I talked so much and in the end feel like I didn’t connect with anyone. More emotional sluttiness. People are very complimentary and kind and I appreciate it a lot, but I guess there are just things about me that make it hard for people to really truly value. It’s not that I don’t value myself, but people don’t seem to realize that the way you treat someone says more about you than the subject facing the treatment. Why should I dig, when I can just let YOU reveal something about yourself. Even on the last couple days people asked me what my name was. Thy name is ghost. It’s funny what makes (?) I really don’t know so much. But know that is what is allowing me to learn— if I truly believed I was good at this and that I didn’t have some sort of testament to my ability to love so deeply and In the laundry again I hallucinate that there’s people there. I could swear that there were. We were talking about how I consider people, these zines are my heart made flesh, into paper, me trying to communicate something very special and profound, but people don’t consider me. I would never have just left someone after telling them there was room in my car. And that’s not gonna change me, I’m not gonna suddenly start being a villain and not share my heart when I think it might help, but it reminds me that yeah I cannot rely on a single fucking person. I wake up and my brain feels like But after the 30 minute cry session and dream-awake I don’t care so much. I can literally go to RR and then Waffle House whenever I want. Y Even in a place like this I am completely alone, a sense of: I am not naive or a fool despite how I might come off and I know what this is and I know who you really are, don’t forget that I’ve cultivated this gift to really see and observe people over many years and you have cultivated nothing. Only my roommate even notices that I’m not featured in the zine. I didn’t get a photoshoot the way other people did.. and I wasn’t really asked about it either but I didn’t want to argue. I was just happy it was done But at the end of the day siempre voy a campear mami por nadie voy a cambiar The karoake night was my favorite! I love music and I’ve always had a song in my heart. At first i didn’t really want to participate but then i saw people having a lot of fun and i wanted to participate. The song I chose was Oh, Me covered by Nirvana. Noelle was behind me and told me they were nervous, they did not seem nervous based on their performance but i told them the truth about this being only my second time ever doing karaoke and that the first time (during this very crucial time) I did not do well at all. I don’t even remember it very well but i think i did pretty good. It was just so fun and everyone is so supportive, so i don’t feel like I HAVE to kill myself. Jiwon said my voice was nice and that was so meaningful to me. Afterwards it was over I walked outside and walked singing to every song i felt like singing. I some sort of testament to my ability to love so deeply I am a fucking Tim Robinson character. I want to melt into the world, I want the sun to tenderly arrange my countenance I want the sun to replace me Pavement gold soundz It’s okay if people don’t reach out, I have real friends now like Emily and Vanessa and Kathy, not just people who want to be aligned with me for fun or convenience or because I make them feel good. People who genuinely care about me and will fight for me— that’s all I’ve ever wanted and what I deserve. When I was younger it bothered me that people couldn’t see what was inside of me. But then as I got older it didn’t matter to me because I felt like the people who were meant to see it were meant to see it and people who didn’t Que se vayan al carajo! It is harder to be kind than it is to be evil and mean but this is the person im trying to become and I don’t care what it takes. King tuff Charli Apple I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life and whatever thoughts I had about being with other people are never gonna happen and I keep thinking I’m making peace with it but it’s a battle I have to fight again and again and again. Things I think are throwaway lines and which I don’t really care about resonate with people and things I really want people to hear and which are painful for me to admit and which I hope will result in a point of connection don’t even get a reaction from anyone. The dilemma is the same: I may never truly understand people. I felt like a small potatoes loser but it’s true I don’t go to zine fests to sell out I go to hang out and meet people. I like that I expose people to the idea of self-publishing and zines. But I’m also embarrassed having to relay how i actually do it, because i was raised in capitalism and the idea that selling out was fund and made you successful: instead, DIY is about printing in the tens of zines. You sell maybe 5. That’s the reality. When people were like ‘really, you sell that few?” I wanted to shoot myself. Instead i said. “Yes. This is my reality” It could be anything but we limit ourselves by what we see other people do The things that will remain with me: Sitting in little kitch talking to Paulina or Miriam and Isa, listening to music that Soph recommended, walking with Alexis to the free store, Max Power karaoke hour, walking around the WWC campus at all hours of the day. Imagining a new world, despite knowing it would never be possible. Singing to myself in the gazebo. people say theyll keep in touch. especially i, the fabulist, enthusiastically and wholeheartedly promise that i will too. If only it were real. If only any of it were real. Playlist: Cults - ALways Forever Crack Cloud - Drab Measure